Some Chileans like to think that we are the English of Latin America, which I guess means that we're classy or some shit. But fear not: we do as much stupid stuff as everyone else, and we too like to laugh at others that we find weirder than us. Enter Valeria Lukyanova, so called "human Barbie", who was on Chilean television last night to the delight of pervs all the way from Arica to Punta Arenas. It was a shitshow.
Even if you don't know where Chile is, you'd think this is a random place for her to visit on official business. My first thought when I heard she was on TV was "whyyyyy???" and to this question, my friends, I have no answer. I'm guessing she is interesting because we think she's Russian (she's not, but people here don't care) and lately there has been a lot of Russian people and themes on TV (see: a Russian girl who was cheated on by her Chilean fiancé on reality television; mail-order brides for slimy dudes). But if it's not that, I have NO idea why she is visiting. But she was there on live television last night, and people asked her some stuff that has enlightened me so much. Let me tell you about the things I learned:
Looking like a Barbie depends on the camera you're using. I didn't get the creepy uncanny valley feeling when I saw her sitting there with the presenters. She looks like a doll in the still pictures, but talking and moving, not so much. I think it's maybe she wasn't pouting and looking directly at the camera. She does, however, sit almost perfectly still, and she made no expressions at all except when talking or once when she laughed at a stupid question. Being a doll is hard, especially if whoever is translating the questions for you takes too long and you have to stand still longer than necessary.
I'm glad that hurtful shit can be lost in translation. The presenters were fucking nasty to her. They made fun of her the whole time and their questions were posed in weird ways. I'm really hoping that the interpreter just told her the very basics because come on, you have her on TV already, might as well ask her seriously why she says she lives on air. (She doesn't. She did say she eats like once every three weeks or something.)
Men are gross. I saw many a comment on my Facebook feed from guys inquiring where to buy one like her. GROSS. I decided not to check the tags on Twitter at all so I wouldn't lose my sanity.
People think that they can play with human dolls as they like. One of the presenters, Francisca García-Huidobro, touched Lukyanova when they first met (us Chileans kiss people on the cheek to say hi and also I think we touch people a lot?), but she didn't know Barbie doesn't like to be touched. I think the presenter told the story to apologize for making her uncomfortable, but then Lukyanova explained that it wasn't such a big deal. So far, so good, right? Wrong. Upon hearing this, García-Huidobro went and gave her a side hug and planted a kiss on her cheek. Lukyanova looked at her in horror (she didn't move much otherwise, which I think was so unbelievably strong of her). Another presenter joked, "now you've really made her uncomfortable!". People laughed this off. Gross. When the show was over, García-Huidobro said "I know this bothers you, BUT…" and she hugged and kissed Lukyanova again. Gross, you guys. I was horrified. It's not cool to touch people when they've told you that they don't want you to.
Women who don't want babies are super crazy. (I kid. But people think this.) Lukyanova commented that she doesn't want to have children, and then everybody questioned her for a very, very long time about it, like, "do you fear you'll lose your famous Barbie figure if you get pregnant?" Lukyanova's answer was that women from this world are supposed to have children, but she's not from this world, so. And this brings me to the last thing I learned:
She comes from Mars and she's in love with Medusa the Gorgon, who also lives on Mars. Human Barbie travels to Mars (in her mind) quite often. Things are colorful and there are blue caves and shit. Medusa rules the planet or something???, and they're in love, and they're gonna be together at some point. This batshit part of the interview was interrupted when Lukyanova got up and sang a short song about, I dunno, interplanetary love. It was in Russian I think, but the resident Russian-speaking person (this lady who was cheated on in that reality show) didn't get what it was about. Before this crazy part was broadcast, one of the presenters commented that most interviews with the human Barbie are taped, and the interesting stuff (what she likes and thinks, other things she does) are usually cut out. I wonder why.
So there you go. Human Barbie came and gave a random interview in a random country because who knows. And I got to see that she is kinda crazy and people here are gross. This is why I don't watch TV that much – except for court shows like the wonderful Caso Cerrado. But that one is taped in America.